He's big, he's black but apparently he doesn't take it up the crack.

   Sol Campbell played his first home game for the Toon the day against a Chelski side who failed to impress anybody, not even their mums.
   I should mention now that in an attempt to piss me grandmother off I told her Sol Campbell was gay and quoted the song but apparently he's not. Not that it matters like, couldn't give a shit meself. But he's not. He's married to a tidy Geordie interior designer and he's massive so Sol Campbell's not gay.
   But he is bigger than me.

Sol Campbell's gravitational pull appears to be a fanny magnet.

   But back the the game. Sol and wor Steve played well together at the back, even if Taylor (S) was a bit rusty after returning from a this-time-nothing-to-do-with-how-much-of-a-slut-Andy-Carroll's-ex-is-injury. I'm sure he'll be fine though, it just looks like he's been taking a leaf from Sol's book and none from any salads.
   Without Nolan we were a bit lost as a team, no real direction and that shows the shallow nature of the squad but all wasn't lost. Andy Carroll played his usual best, chasing the ball around like a nutter to slot Alex's streak of piss back to the helmeted wonder into the goal. Cech even did the FIFA 2010 goaly shuffle, hands a side like a crab, beautiful.
   Shola had a bad day, missing one or two barn doors with a fairly large banjo but he's a good lad, reminds me a bit of wor 'Tino so I'm sure he'll redeem himself.
   A drop in defence which can only really be blamed on Steven Taylor lead to a Chelski equaliser but to be honest, they didn't deserve it. Without Terry and Lampard they were left to throw it all up pitch, at the end on the game they had four strikers on and still Drogba was making Ameobi look good. Even when Didier did score, he'd handled it and the goal was disallowed.
   I've never liked the Cote d'Ivore international mind, not since that fateful night in Marseilles - we needed a nil-nil draw to go to the UEFA cup final and that bastard scored a hatrick through Ashington's third favourite son Steven "no Sir Bob, let Shay have his moment" Harper.
   A special mention for Ashley Cole who managed to behave like a child for ninety minutes because the Toon Army booed his disgraceful actions of sacrilege against Wor Peoples' Princess of Geordieland Cheryl of Tweedylass. I don't know, we send her down there to strengthen relations with That London and that's how they repay us?
   All in all we can't complain, Chelsea are shit this season and Man U will win the league but on form like this we could expect to finish sixth. Unfortunately, on account of results like losing five-one to Bolton f'kin' Wanderers we should really expect fifteenth.
   And on the subject of footballing figures and gay - Chrissy Hughton, best looking manager in the league? I would.
   That's my first attempt at real sports journalism, I hope you liked it. I don't know when my next publishing will be but Tuesday's jollies out to Newcastle as part of the walkouts look to be a good place to report on shit, so maybe Wednesday night, what with college and sleeping.
   For now, peace and solidarity,
-Nous.