The Zed-Word

   Do you have a zombie apocalypse plan of action? No? You fucking should son. I had one for Aylesbury, no bother but since I now live two hundred miles away, I can't take Andy's car, fill it with food, barricade The King's Head and then arm myself at the sports shop on Bourbon Street with as many alive friends as possible, slowly, over the coming months, using the high rooftops to gain advantage over the undead and capturing the town centre for a safe zone. Mainly because the petrol to get down there is pretty hefty in price.

   I need a new plan then, and here it is. Here is NousAvonsLaRage's Plan of Action for the Impending Threat of Zombie Apocalypse in Washington, Tyne & Wear.

   So where will it start? And how? Let's assume it's say, the contamination of a batch of KitKats, I don't eat them and I think blaming Nestlé for zombies is a fairly easy thing to do, as they're already fairly responsible for child mortality and ting. So a day's worth of KitKat consumption turns say, four million folks into crazy flesh-eating fuckers and the dead are caused to rise. Of course, the next sensible queries aren't of "oh dear Christ, where is my family?" or other such frivolities, we need to know who the enemy are. They'll be like in Shaun of the Dead, no questions, okay? If they're any more athletic, it makes most of my plans fairly hard to execute and we should, at that point, give up and get eaten.

Avoid zombified companions.

   Monday morning then, we all wake up, Margaret next door's a zombie, Nanny Nous was eaten on the way to the paper shop. First thing's first, secure the building, buy some time, put the telly on, make a coffee, you need to be sharp. Now then, attire:

   Zombie's are best fought in close-combat skirmishes and as such, one must be dressed appropriately or risk contamination. A dressing gown and pants is not going to do. Go upstairs and get dressed; jeans and a tee-shirt will suffice but if there is body armour in the house, put it on. Make sure footwear is comfortable and durable and that you have a big coat, this could go on for some time or even at night. Other than that, all you need is a mobile switched to vibrate (so as not to attract attention) and a weapon. A weapon!

   Work with what you've got, something easy to hold, heavy at one end, preferably with a blade and at least four feet long to ward off the infected at length. In my room, I've got a pool cue, that'd do but say a friend had stayed over, there's also chair legs, guitar necks, even the plumbing can be pulled out so long as, in case you do have to hold up at home, it doesn't effect all access to water. It's also worth pocketing a smaller weapon; a hammer or a kitchen knife, something you can do damage with, but only as a last resort so as not to get too close. Obviously, if you have a gun in the house, that's also useful. Oh, and my dad once had a dream about what'd happen and apparently, they couldn't stand Olbus oil tissues, I had a similar vision about Listerine mouth wash, might not work, but if it does, fucking handy, eh?

   Now we're armed and dressed we need to plan what we're doing. Try and call friends and relatives (the phones might not be down) you trust. You do not, I repeat, not want useless twats in your zombie killing A-Team gang. From here it becomes a more localised issue, try the internet connection, if it's working and you can print, Google maps the town you're in and any surrounding key places: cities, towns, army barracks, that sort of thing. You need to know where you are, where you're going and if possible, what you're going to do once you're there. For example, I'd map Washington, Newcastle, Sunderland, and Gateshead, although these are densely populated areas, they will house some of the easier to defend spots and possible weaponry. 

   From here, you need transport. Your street might be clear, but the next one could be swarming with dead pricks just wanting to chew you. Pick the nearest car to the front door, coat-hanger the lock, hot wire the ignition and race off to your first stop. Remember to secure the house again upon leaving, you might need to return. My first stop would have to be Ross's at the end of the road, furthermore, he has a car and I can actually reach him via back yards. Gardens are good routes to travel by, they are usually secured well and your route is then cut into clearing smaller sections at a time. 

   Once in a vehicle, you must acquire your gang, if the phones were down you're going to have to drive to mates' houses and honk, you may also need petrol, steal it. Three is a minimum number and anything bigger than five at the earlier stages is cumbersome, if during life your friends were all useless wanks and now they're undead, strangers will do. From here hit up the shops for your food needs, one needs to keep the car moving and safe, at least one person needs to be on look out and another should be doing the Supermarket Sweep. Fill the car with tinned food, water and anything else you can fit after the shelves are empty, remember that when looting, you don't have to restrict yourself to what's usually on sale, take stuff apart and take the floor tiles if you reckon they'll help.
   Back in the car/van/tank you'll need to find somewhere easy to defend to hold up, in Aylesbury, the Kings Head is an easy choice, big old doors, barred windows, only two entrances and upstairs windows, here in Washington, the central polis shop would be my destination A. A large concrete building with defensive ramped base and large, barricaded doors, the upstairs entrance via a bridge can easily be cut off or armed and the bizzies are bound to be out and about, either trying to fix things, what with the undead being loose or at the kebab shop, as usual.

Impenetrable fortress.

   Once you've secured the safe house, wait for people to arrive, then when there's about a week's worth of food left, leave. The more the merrier, just make sure nobody's got any open wounds or anything and head off in search of survivors, safe camp zones or anything like that, it might be that land-piracy has set in but if you'd stayed still, it'd've happened to you eventually so your best bet is to head for safety and kill any undead you come to.

   Stay safe, stay together and stay alive.

-Nous